Thursday, February 4, 2016

god's time + my beautiful february 4th epiphany

last night i had a moment of actually having my breath taken away.
i was sitting before david oyelowo, absolutely baffled by my life's twists and turns
(yet again).

i vividly remember watching him sob at the oscars this month last year.
never in my life did i think that i'd sit in the same room as him and have him
give me life advice exactly one year later, if ever.

he told my class that if you say yes to god, the plans won't make sense
but the adventure will be unlike any plan man could ever construe.

and in that moment i was feeling the truth in that.

film school wasn't my plan --
but this exact month last year i sat in a class
and told myself i want to go to film school, why not? and then weeks later,
while sitting on the couch watching the oscars with my mother said, mom, i want to tell stories.
i want to do that. i'm applying to film school. i want to go to film school.

an internship at oddlot wasn't my plan.
but when i was eighteen i watched rabbit hole and found it
to be so beautiful and absolutely relevant to my life at the time.
now, here i am, working under the individuals who made that film possible.

i was adamant that i would never move to southern california.
and after i did the first time,  i said i'd never move back and i'd never live in los angeles.
but here i am. i can see the hollywood sign, downtown l.a., and sunset blvd from my room.

i started out university as a biblical studies major because i
didn't believe that god could do anything with someone who wrote.
but by the end of the year i felt a pull to pursue writing and english,
and my life has never been the same. a major in english is what led me to film.

when giving my testimony in romania, i unknowingly emphasized the words but god,
and after my talk, the leader of my group pulled me aside and explained the importance
of the pairing of these words -- and i have never forgot that moment.

my life is a series of but gods.

each day i am being humbled further and further for the
surprises and ironies that await me.

and i don't say any of this to brag.
my life is far from perfect.
los angeles is a lonely, flawed place.

studying english did not come without endless papers and lots of tears and doubts.

my internship is stretching me in ways that terrify me.

and the blank page in the life of a writer is a monster all its own.

but god is still so good -- and this is what i choose to focus on right now.

david spoke of the importance of excellence,
of saying yes to god,
of pursuing god given talents to their absolute fullest.

he said that he lives his life striving to be the best actor who has ever lived,
not because he wants the fame, but because he believes that acting is what
god made him to do and to pursue it any less than trying to be the greatest would be
to deprive god of the full extent of the gift.

since i was a child i've dreamt of being one of the greatest story tellers of my time.
there are probably a million other people who think/believe the same thing.
and, don't get me wrong, some ego and foolishness are required by default with a statement/dream like this.

but i want to be the greatest -- not for a paycheck or for pride's sake, but because writing is the
thing in life that i am most hungry for and in love with.
and to allow fear to keep me from pursuing this gift
to its maximum would be to doubt the but gods in my life.

i may never be the greatest of my time, but god can still do so much (on a small or large scale)
if i write for his sake and in pursuit of his will.

so that is what i'm off to do -- these past few days have opened the door to this
dream being something i can finally fully embrace.


remember how i said that one year ago this month i decided to apply to film school?
well, before posting this i got curious: what was the exact date of that decision?
so, i looked up what i had posted on another blog the day that i made this decision.
finding the date wasn't immediately obvious but then i came across the exact date and
time of the post: February 4th, 2015.

then i realized that that's today -- so me and this realization in hollywood and with storytelling
came full circle one year.

i have all the chills. and all of the quiet affirmation that what is around and before me--though
it makes not an ounce of sense--is something right.

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