Sunday, February 14, 2016

LAX + you

it isn't that i forgot.
it's just that time has passed & things have changed.

so much change.

the only memory i thought i had of you and los angeles
is the one when i picked you up for the first time ever.
you were near ucla and i got off on the wilshire exit.

i knew little about you then.
i certainly didn't know what would pan out.
i definitely didn't know that we would end,
and how we would end.

in that moment, i knew i loved a stranger.
i was wide eyed on the los angeles freeway --
i vividly remember searching for wilshire.

it meant two things to me then:
1. you,
2. a popular street i had heard of before.

i remember when you climbed into my car.
my stomach was tied up in knots.
i could hardly focus on the road.
and i wasn't sure if i'd be much good at kissing you.

we spent the weekend falling in love.
we didn't say it like that.
but that's what it was.

so when i took you to l.a.x. that sunday
i knew i couldn't let you go home without letting you
know that the girl you were leaving behind in that moment
didn't want to be left behind in your day-to-day life.

you hugged me tight at the drop-off section and in your ear
i whispered that i loved you.

as i walked away, my legs felt like they were being untied
from the rest of my body.

walking away from you was the most unnatural sensation.
telling you that i loved you was like jumping from a cliff
and not thinking of where i might land.


that was nearly three years ago.
and i thought i only had one memory of you and los angeles.

but last night, as my father drove along the freeway and towards
our hotel i saw the infamous l.a.x letters.

and then it hit me.
i had two memories of you and l.a.

those letters stand right outside my hotel.
and you are somewhere back in a familiar place.

i'm not writing this because it's valentines day,
nor am i writing this because i'm second guessing the
choices i have made.

rather, i'm just recalling one of the most significant moments
of my life, whilst in the midst of one of the most significant
seasons in my life.

that girl who searched wide eyed for wilshire never
fathomed that she'd live blocks away from it and attend film school on it.

that girl who learned to kiss and love you well that weekend
didn't know she'd have to learn to love again.

that girl who felt her legs untie themselves from her body in l.a.x. didn't know
that when she finally did walk away it would feel like leaving her very being
lying on your bed where she laid as she said her final goodbyes to you.


my life keeps coming round in all kinds of full circles,
and this circle was smaller and quieter,
but i felt the slight pang last night and tonight as i stood there
staring at those letters, remembering the time when you were here and life was nothing like what it is now.



and though you are no longer mine,
i'm still more proud of you than i am of anyone.
and you're still the most brilliant, most kind person, and most deserving of happiness --
a happiness that i have been incapable of giving you since summer time.

just as you once said, i'll love who you are for a very long time.

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