Monday, June 27, 2016

my theory that "it's easy with you" isn't really the point

image via

it's easy with..."him" or "her" --
whichever doesn't matter.
it's a popular statement through and through.

i've heard friends of mine say this for years.
as middle schoolers, it was said perhaps more as a result of reciprocation
than actual comprehension for what it means to easily do life with someone.

in high school, the idea of ease and doing life with someone varied, but was limited nonetheless 
to cafeteria lunches, friday night football games, and weekend parties.

mid-college and post-graduate life ease with another human being allowed the phrase exist accurately within my own life, though standing on this side of adulthood makes me feel that the phrase it's easy with you isn't the point.

at all.

it was easy easy with certain individuals, until it absolutely wasn't. 
and once the blissful ease lifted, a whole lot of pain, misunderstanding, miscommunication
and dysfunction ensued.

that was the point.

there is someone currently in my life, and to say that it's easy with him is to cheat whatever it is that we have of its depth and authenticity.

it hasn't always been easy with him.
and i didn't stay when we were at our lowest --
when miscommunication suffocated the love we shared,
when the pain of misunderstanding and the feeling of different goals set in.

have we walked through hell together?
no --
but we have experienced pain and uneasiness.

to say that it's easy with him would be a lie.

the point is to tell the truth.
and the point to telling the truth is because 
truth is a fundamental aspect of any relationship. 
and facing the reality of said relationship head-on will do a lot more 
good than bad.

i've learned this the hard way.

ease has its flaws.
it's easy to become complacent,
and to allow comfortability rob you of selflessness towards another person.

it's easy to look someone else's way as a result of your own pride and ego.
it's easier to hurt the one you love the most, the one who loves you the most,
for the sake of someone whose attention is unwarranted. 

it's easy to walk away when things get tough,
when life doesn't look the way you want it to,
and the butterflies have left your stomach for a time.

it's easy with you --

it was at first when we were smitten with one another the only way new lovers know how.

but then we grew up.

i can't blame these things, but i also can't deny the presence they had in my life --
distance, the strains and demands of college education, neediness, ignorance, youth,
the ease of complacency all became things that i gnawed on and used as justification for 
why it was no longer easy with him.

as if i had a right to a perfect relationship.
as if perfection is even a thing.

as a result of ease, i looked for more ease instead of facing my responsibility to the relationship i had been building.

so, no. easiness isn't really the point.
because so what?

for every essay i wrote under my final english professors, i was challenged to look at my papers
and ask the infamous so what? question.

it took a few red "so what's?" on my papers from my professors before i started
writing them on my own papers prior to submissions.

so what if the relationship isn't easy?

if it's dangerous, unhealthy, abusive -- then, yes -- it matters.

but in the context of love and relationship within a healthy, committed relationship
so what if the going gets hard?

life is hard.

beautiful, lasting things must endure difficult, long seasons.

ease isn't a poison, but it comes with two sides.
and i've found that one side consists of so much more entitlement than the other.

i entertained that entitlement assuming that it would be easier with someone else
until all too suddenly it wasn't.

and the reasons for why it wasn't were much uglier than my reasons had been for leaving in the first place.

there is someone currently in my life, and to say that it's easy with him is to cheat whatever it is that we have of its depth and authenticity.

we have our moments of disagreements.
i'm stubborn, and that may never fully change.

we aren't always at our best, nicest or most attractive.

we have hurt one another for various reasons, and forgiveness surely is a thing that lives
alongside our relationship.

it isn't easy with him,

and this is one of the vital pieces for why i pursue him and why i hope he continues to pursue me.

there's something about hardship that cultivates a different sort of ease.
an ease that coexists with the mundane, the imperfection, the every-day.

not the ease that is limited to surface attraction and feeling-good.

life isn't perfect with him, or because of him, but it it grows me and i find joy in it.

he is the better being, and for that i am a blessed girl.

small things aren't easy,
and big things really aren't easy.

the point isn't for life to be easy,
for love to be easy;
the point is to stay through the thick and thin,
to see things through to the other side when the more intimate
aspects of ease and life can flourish and stabilize.

that's the point.

the difficulty in surrendering one's self,
in being selfless,
in relinquishing pride and ego and comfortability
make up the point.

i'll probably forget this a million times throughout my life,
but my god am i foolish to willingly give up what i am only now coming to terms with.

thoughts about my current lesson with time

I'm learning a slow--perhaps painfully slow--lesson about time.

One of my many weaknesses involves my relationship with time --
how it never seems to be enough, or it's too much, or it brings me something
I thought I wanted but something still that does not fully satisfy.

But recently it has occurred to me that my current lesson with time is all about
treating each bout and lesson with difference in comparison to other times/lessons.

For instance, just because an opportunity hasn't presented itself in past days and weeks,
does not at all indicate that such opportunity is off the table in today's or tomorrow's timing.

I'm learning--and also attempting to holdfast to the idea--that the timing of each day cannot
be reflective of what was once before and what now lies ahead.

I torture myself with the mindset that what hasn't happened will continue to be, not because of fact
but because of pattern.

And patterns, though indeed consistent, don't have to be long lived.

I knew that moving home post-Los Angeles would be a difficult thing.
I knew that fear would be very real, and that complacency might be tempting.

I knew that a degree wouldn't come with a full bank account, opportunity, a career,
or opportunity knocking at my door.

(Remember my post about how I need to be the one knocking on opportunity's door?)

I was once told by a professor that this generation--my generation--is the one that just expects out of entitlement.

You feel entitled to do what you want, to have what you want -- a car, a house, a lover, a career, fun, etc...

That's what I was told.

And last night through tears I told my mom that I don't expect anything to be easy,
I don't even want success (whatever that word fucking means) handed to me.

Success wouldn't taste as sweet if it lacked the tang of blood, sweat, tears -- and some
long days, sleepless nights, lessons in humility, going the extra mile (or 100), mistakes,
enemies, and years driving a beat up old car, eating lots of soup and popcorn, and living with people you can't stand.

And none of the above paragraph sounds unappealing to me.


Because each seemingly negative thing is a facet to a beginning.

And a beginning is such a blessed, beautiful thing.

I don't want anything to be easy when I'm building my life.

I'm not wishing hardship upon myself,

but I am telling life that it's ok to make me earn things.

Because if I earned it then, at the end of the day, it truly is mine -- and I can be proud of that.

I'm trying to remember the fact that knowing the whole picture of my life wouldn't help me
or anyone. I wasn't made to know the whole picture, I'm meant to put the pieces together as I go.

The whole logline of life can sound rather endearing, but we all know it isn't.

Those pieces are jagged. And oftentimes--like my life right now--they seem to be missing from the box.

I have to remember that not having all of the pieces now doesn't mean I won't see the whole picture someday.

I'm trying to hold on to what I do know because what I knew from January-April was something that made me happier than I have ever been in my life.

And happiness in all of it's flightiness does come back around, it doesn't have to be gone for long, gone forever.

And I am indeed happy.

Just flustered by time,

wanting it to speed up,

knowing that I should be present for the now,

scared of what might happen if it stays slow or does speed up,

and anxious with what it may or may not bring.

But to focus on all of this is to take away from today.

And, who knows, today could bring the piece that's missing,
the piece that tomorrow didn't promise.

If I look forward, I might look right past it.

Monday, June 6, 2016

today i *actually* embarassed myself in public...

{photo via pinterest and creator}

i met up with two of my high school best friends today --
and, as girls do, we caught up on every last detail of life.

i can't repeat on here what i said in person because, well,
it's no one's business but my own, and it embarrassed me --

what i will say, however, is all that must be noted from the moment:

1. i learned a lesson in volume control when it comes to my mouth


2. i actually got a pat on the back from a complete male stranger who also
believed that i deserved a free coffee for my goodness to this world.

i kid you not.

so -- ladies -- spill all the beans you'd like to trusting ears but
be warned that the things in life that warrant a free coffee might also
deserve to be said least if you're one who easily grows quite red in the face.

i hope i'll laugh about it tomorrow.
or someday, at least.

my friends sure did laugh a heap ton.

they make my life very fun when we're all together!


did you know that there's a drink at starbucks called a "widow"...or something like that?

it's half coffee, half black tea -- iced. i add a bit of sweetener and a splash of soy.
the taste is so unique!
first, you taste the coffee; then, you taste the tea.
very caffeinated (plus!),
and also it doesn't leave me feeling full and heavy (also a plus!) like iced coffee sometimes does.



Thursday, June 2, 2016

I'm Calling Myself A Loser ... though not to be self-deprecating

"You're not the winner. You're the loser," he declared --
though softly and not harshly.

"Why am I the loser?"

"Because it didn't work out. You left and it failed. I am the winner."

So I laughed. Not because it was funny,
but because he was right. He is right. And when something is so sad or disturbing, sometimes one must laugh (I learned that last night while watching The Lobster).

And sometimes enough time has passed that what was once painful can be scoffed at with 
a bit of laughter.

And--always--How I Met Your Mother, in all of its outrageousness, is applicable enough to life and relationships.

Therefore, I lost.
Not because of the show.
Not because he thinks I'm a loser.
But because I chose for myself and I lost something for a time.

Though it's wonderful that grace is such a thing.

And -- I must admit that in my loss I won a piece of wisdom.

I learned that giving one thing up for the sake of another isn't any gain at all when you put aside who you are, and what you love.

I learned the character of grace from forfeiting what was good.

So I lost.

I gained a thing that gave me nothing.
And when I realized all that I had lost,
grace was kind enough to reach out its hand and give me another shot.
It was selfless enough where I wasn't.

And in all of my loserdom, it chooses to laugh with me.
Not at me.

That's winning. 
That's a gain.