Monday, June 27, 2016

my theory that "it's easy with you" isn't really the point

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it's easy with..."him" or "her" --
whichever doesn't matter.
it's a popular statement through and through.

i've heard friends of mine say this for years.
as middle schoolers, it was said perhaps more as a result of reciprocation
than actual comprehension for what it means to easily do life with someone.

in high school, the idea of ease and doing life with someone varied, but was limited nonetheless 
to cafeteria lunches, friday night football games, and weekend parties.

mid-college and post-graduate life ease with another human being allowed the phrase exist accurately within my own life, though standing on this side of adulthood makes me feel that the phrase it's easy with you isn't the point.

at all.

it was easy easy with certain individuals, until it absolutely wasn't. 
and once the blissful ease lifted, a whole lot of pain, misunderstanding, miscommunication
and dysfunction ensued.

that was the point.

there is someone currently in my life, and to say that it's easy with him is to cheat whatever it is that we have of its depth and authenticity.

it hasn't always been easy with him.
and i didn't stay when we were at our lowest --
when miscommunication suffocated the love we shared,
when the pain of misunderstanding and the feeling of different goals set in.

have we walked through hell together?
no --
but we have experienced pain and uneasiness.

to say that it's easy with him would be a lie.

the point is to tell the truth.
and the point to telling the truth is because 
truth is a fundamental aspect of any relationship. 
and facing the reality of said relationship head-on will do a lot more 
good than bad.

i've learned this the hard way.

ease has its flaws.
it's easy to become complacent,
and to allow comfortability rob you of selflessness towards another person.

it's easy to look someone else's way as a result of your own pride and ego.
it's easier to hurt the one you love the most, the one who loves you the most,
for the sake of someone whose attention is unwarranted. 

it's easy to walk away when things get tough,
when life doesn't look the way you want it to,
and the butterflies have left your stomach for a time.

it's easy with you --

it was at first when we were smitten with one another the only way new lovers know how.

but then we grew up.

i can't blame these things, but i also can't deny the presence they had in my life --
distance, the strains and demands of college education, neediness, ignorance, youth,
the ease of complacency all became things that i gnawed on and used as justification for 
why it was no longer easy with him.

as if i had a right to a perfect relationship.
as if perfection is even a thing.

as a result of ease, i looked for more ease instead of facing my responsibility to the relationship i had been building.

so, no. easiness isn't really the point.
because so what?

for every essay i wrote under my final english professors, i was challenged to look at my papers
and ask the infamous so what? question.

it took a few red "so what's?" on my papers from my professors before i started
writing them on my own papers prior to submissions.

so what if the relationship isn't easy?

if it's dangerous, unhealthy, abusive -- then, yes -- it matters.

but in the context of love and relationship within a healthy, committed relationship
so what if the going gets hard?

life is hard.

beautiful, lasting things must endure difficult, long seasons.

ease isn't a poison, but it comes with two sides.
and i've found that one side consists of so much more entitlement than the other.

i entertained that entitlement assuming that it would be easier with someone else
until all too suddenly it wasn't.

and the reasons for why it wasn't were much uglier than my reasons had been for leaving in the first place.

there is someone currently in my life, and to say that it's easy with him is to cheat whatever it is that we have of its depth and authenticity.

we have our moments of disagreements.
i'm stubborn, and that may never fully change.

we aren't always at our best, nicest or most attractive.

we have hurt one another for various reasons, and forgiveness surely is a thing that lives
alongside our relationship.

it isn't easy with him,

and this is one of the vital pieces for why i pursue him and why i hope he continues to pursue me.

there's something about hardship that cultivates a different sort of ease.
an ease that coexists with the mundane, the imperfection, the every-day.

not the ease that is limited to surface attraction and feeling-good.

life isn't perfect with him, or because of him, but it it grows me and i find joy in it.

he is the better being, and for that i am a blessed girl.

small things aren't easy,
and big things really aren't easy.

the point isn't for life to be easy,
for love to be easy;
the point is to stay through the thick and thin,
to see things through to the other side when the more intimate
aspects of ease and life can flourish and stabilize.

that's the point.

the difficulty in surrendering one's self,
in being selfless,
in relinquishing pride and ego and comfortability
make up the point.

i'll probably forget this a million times throughout my life,
but my god am i foolish to willingly give up what i am only now coming to terms with.

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