It was in losing you --
Rather, in letting you go --
No. In giving you up,
In being incredibly selfish and somewhat malicious.
It was in being selfish towards you, but also selfishness
for the sake of myself. My young self that needed to grow,
though I don't say this as a means to justification.
What I am trying to say --
What needs to be said over and over again,
is that it was in giving you up and letting us go
that I lost.
And it was in that loss -- that selfish,
though probably essential period of loss,
that we found who we were --
That I was able to see what was missing.
That I am now able to go throughout my day quietly
smiling to myself, in a crowd, in my routine,
about you and about us.
It was in losing you that I found myself and I found us,
and I am reminded daily of all of the things we could be.
Of all of the things we might get to be because
I was first selfish.
Because when I was selfish you were selfless,
and isn't that how love, and life, is supposed to work?
Giving in the midst of an undeserving partner.
One standing strong when the other can't,
and vice versa.
I can't promise that we will have all of the things that might be,
but I can promise to be the one who stands strong the next time around --
from here on out.
Because you allowed me to be selfish. To take and to take away.
And you gave right back regardless.
So now I can have certain dreams back, and I can reconstruct others.
From the ground up.
Because of you.
Because in losing you, in giving you up,
You loved me still, you took me back.