Saturday, August 13, 2016

When the present feels like failure, but you're hoping to god that retrospect will soon be a glorious thing

"August 15th."
"August 15th? So, you have a date?" asked my then boss.
I nodded.
"Why August 15th?"
"Just sounds right."

-That was from a conversation I had back in April.


All summer I made each plan revolving around August 15th and the weekend leading up to it -- because that was my presumed "moving weekend."

Yet, here we are -- the Saturday I thought I would be moving.

I realize the enormity of my young age -- how much I have left to learn, which is everything about life and timing, etc etc.

I also realize how much I have been blessed with in regards to experiences and opportunity.

Thirdly, I realize that just because I have a degree tacked to my name, it doesn't mean that a job will simply come and find me.

But--getting back to my first realization--I'm only twenty-two.

Therefore, me not doing what I set out to do. Today/this weekend not being my moving weekend 
feels an awful lot like a failure.

I had a writer tell me to set a date/goal for myself and talk about it, because then I would have
people holding me to that goal. I'd have a certain amount of healthy pressure.

So, I've talked about it confidently.

I didn't want to doubt myself.

Partially because I truly believed I wouldn't be in the Bay Area past this weekend.

Mostly because--quietly--I didn't want to regret my departure from LA in April.

I have no regrets in my life, but this small thing -- the fear and feeling of impossibility that I allowed
to speak into my life in April, well at this point in time it's a regret.

Everything happens for a reason, which is why I hope that, in the coming months when that glorious
thing called retrospect begins to settle in, I will look back and realize that April was no mistake.

There was never any regret to be had here.

It just felt like it.

Because in the coming months--when I do accomplish what I thought I'd be accomplishing at this very moment--I'll look back and see that my timing was yet again not the right timing.

Which is a hard pill to swallow.

I'm used to accomplishing exactly what I set my mind to --

even when curve balls hurl themselves at me.

So maybe timing is attempting to teach me a lesson in faith, in humility.

I don't know.

But Los Angeles is not off of the table.

I know that there might be those who think I can't or won't do it.

They listen to me spill out hints of my dreams and they quietly
wonder and maybe even laugh about people like me who think that
absolutely nothing is impossible.

For me, Los Angeles is this mountain in my life that terrifies me.

It's my Everest.

I know my odds and what success may or may not look like there,
but I just have to see the view for myself.

For as long as I can remember, I have listened to people much older than me
tell me that while they don't have regrets over the way their lives have panned out,
they do wish that they would have taken the leap, done what was scary, or postponed other
life decisions that require selfless prioritizing.

So, I'll be damned if I don't knock on that door.

By this point, I'll build the door myself.

I refuse to sit by and watch what scares me pass me by on the fleeting train we call life.

I'll get there, and I'll do precisely what I set out to do.

Just you watch. 

I won't allow the fear of what's unknown to become bigger than my fear of regret. 

(And you shouldn't either)



***edited note -- this seems applicable:

“Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.”

-Gloria Steinem

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