Sunday, October 2, 2016

my first night being a "grown-up"

technically i've been a legal adult for over four years now.

i've also been college graduated for nearly six months.

but this. this moment.

this feels like adulthood.

i'm currently sitting in my new room, in my new {old} apartment, preparing
for a job interview tomorrow.

my room is a mess.

my emotions are a mess.

so many words fail me.

i keep crying.

i have left over chinese food in the fridge for dinner,
yet i can't even bring myself to eat it.

they always tell you that adulthood is scary and difficult, etc etc.

but no one ever talks about the time when you're officially on your own.
when your parents leave you -- not at a temporary dorm room, but at an indefinite
home in a city that is so large, with strangers, and some groceries and a newly made bed
{thanks, mom}


no one tells you how leaving home for good feels so much like jumping off of a cliff.
no one tells you that seeing all of the belongings from you childhood home piled
into a new space is jarring.

even though it's all still stuff, and this is still california, and my parents are still my parents.

no one tells you that within just a matter of hours -- you change.

not completely -- quietly.

it's the first time i've ever faced myself.
it's the first time i've faced the complete unknown --
i don't have the slightest idea what tomorrow will even look like
and tomorrow is in less than two hours.

i'm trying to be okay with how i feel.
i'm grateful for this moment,
but very much overcome by fear of the unknown.

yesterday i told my mom: "i look forward to the day when this
moment is a distant memory."

because that would mean that i found some sort of normal
in being an actual adult.



{my apologies for any typos. i am exhausted}

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