Friday, October 7, 2016

pt. 2 (and a whole lot of rambling)

It occurred to me today that this time last week I was rushing around like a crazy person preparing for my move -- but this was easy to recall because it was only a matter of days ago. But then, when I was reminded that it is indeed October (how that happened, I have no idea), I realized that this time nine months ago, I was preparing for my first move out to LA.

I can't tell you what I was doing specifically. I have no memory of the 7th of January. What I can say is that, when needed, I comforted myself with the fact that I only needed to stay for four months. After that, I thought, I'd be free.

Remember the letting yourself off the hook idea I talked about yesterday?

I don't believe that it necessarily ends there.

Actually, I believe that there is a part two.

You can let yourself off the hook, sure.
You can relish in that one small achievement.
You can then wait for tomorrow's small achievement.

Or whatever else might suit you.

Though, I believe that letting one's self off the hook is beside the point when s/he is bound by the idea of freedom - bound by the idea of being let off.

I am so guilty of hyping myself up on one scary achievement that I begin to settle in nearly invisible aspects of life that are so subtle, though still entirely relevant.

I'm writing this partially because all week I've been looking at job boards, and although I need to be gracious with myself, I can't help but feel suffocated by the fear of what an industry job will entail. I feel myself fearing, and rather than being comfortable in the small achievements of coffee shops and  bill paying (these are still so valid!), I personally need to be reminded to strive a little bit more each day.

This doesn't mean that life and its achievements will be a steady climb - but progress in the form of growing and not only surviving is what I'm after.

I feel myself caught up in the idea of freedom.
I am free to choose my daily achievements.
I am free to come and go from my house.
I am free to choose friends and a job of my preference.

My fault is that I give so much of my time to thinking about what the feeling of freedom might actually taste like that I ignore the freedom I already have. I diminish the value of the achievements I am capable of out of even more fear of what it would be like to be uncomfortable again.

My fault is that I place freedom/independence/adulthood in this seemingly unattainable box that requires me to meet a caliber that I'm not even sure of.

In January I told myself just last four months, then you'll be free.

Upon leaving my home last weekend, my family told me just last the year...

You don't have to stay...

You won't make it as long as you hope...

This morning when I awoke it occurred to me that this is my life.

There is no date telling me when a class will end, when a diploma will come, where my next home will come from.

And I am having to work hard to remind myself that having indefinite aspects of my life is not an indication of stagnancy. I also have to hold tight to the idea that this is my life now. This is the freedom part, the post graduation part.

This life started in January,

and again at my commencement ceremony,

and again as I drove down the 5 last weekend.

There have been many fear-induced moments and experiences in my life, and this is certainly not the worst and it is certainly not the last.

It feels frightening to know that the possibilities are endless.

Though there is freedom in those possibilities, no matter the ambiguity.

I'm trying so hard to let myself off the hook and stay off the hook.

I'm hoping to always take it day by day, even with my small achievements.

I'm also hoping that I won't stick to seeking achievements that grow familiar and comfortable.

And after too many words and babbled thoughts, I believe I've reached the point I should have made in the first paragraph,

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