Friday, July 28, 2017

all the words i see

I oftentimes find myself taking note of what my life is.

I look around, at the faces and place that surround me,

and I am so humbled.

By all of it.

To live and to grow in a place that I am so undeserving of.
To collect people that I have the pleasure of doing life alongside.
To explore a city whose heart never stops beating, whose eyes never close, and song never sleeps.
To actively pursue a pipe dream, which is a gift in and of itself.

To know myself in this time of life, this version of Madison,
as I stretch my legs, find my voice, say too many words, fall in and out of love
with life and faces and voices.

I think of if I ever get to be a mom. I wonder about what I'd say, about the time when I was young.
I'd like to think I'll be a cool mom -- one that did the thing and has the stories and survived the chaos of youth in a big city.

I lose sight of the gravity of this delicate, blessed phase in my life,
which will one day be a blip in the grand scheme of things.

Though quite possibly a blip that sets a foundation, which makes all the difference.

Laying the foundation is a tedious job, and we are each required to set and labor over our own foundations, by ourselves, and with the resources we can gather and abide by.

I tend to do most of my life kicking and screaming --

defiant, stubborn, utterly afraid, and laughing (mostly) because I am so nervous.

But I'd choose to be scared every time.

I think that having the right fear--the healthy sort--is essential.

I believe in it and live for it -- fear and dread and taking the leap.

If I am not afraid, I feel like something must not be right. So I cling to the
frightening thing, the cliff of the mountain, the deepest parts of the sea.

I will be so damned for never trying.
Even more damned for not being my biggest fan,

and so ridiculously grateful, regardless of how my success is defined when all is said and done.

But there is so much to be said, still.

So much to listen to,

and so.much. to be said.

So, when the words come like a flood (and they certainly will),

I will be there to catch them.

To put them to paper, giving them life.

Clinging to the sounds and phrases that propel me forward and scare me shitless.

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